All marriages have problems, minor and major, but there are certain
issues, which are common to almost all couples. There are practical
ways to deal with them. Here are some of the issues that cause
contention amongst couples and possible solutions:
1. Money matters
The
desire to become richer or more financially established, to move up the
economic ladder is one common to many people, including married
couples. As a result, this can cause arguments and disputes about how
to earn money, how to spend it and how to invest.
One of the
ways to handle this is to simply make an easy budget which tracks
expenses and income and establishes a framework for taking care of
regular family necessities. As well, there should be openness, honesty,
communication and consultation amongst couples about money issues. This
way, families can meet their needs better and ways of improving a
couple's financial situation can be discussed more openly and
practically once this is put on paper.
2. Your in-laws
In-laws
can be great friends or can become one of the most difficult family
members to deal with. This is why it is important to keep certain
things in mind and do certain things when relating to them so you can
avoid some major hassles:
a. Remember that your
spouse's parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never
make your spouse choose between you or them.
b. Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
c. Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
d. Don't interfere in your in-laws relationship. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it.
e. Don't tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.
f. Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws.
g. Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.
h.
Do not go to your parents with your quarrels with your husband or wife,
unless the issue is in danger of escalating. Try to solve problems
between the two of you.
i. If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
j. Do not forbid your spouse from seeing their family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
k.Do not tell other people your spouse and in-laws' secrets.
l.
If you do not live with your in-laws, make time to get to know them.
For example, invite them over at least twice a month for dinner at your
place.
m. If you don't live with your in-laws, encourage your spouse to regularly check up on them.
n. Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws (i.e. no hugging or kissing).
o. Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.
p. Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.
q. Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.
r.
If you didn't do this before getting married and moving in with
in-laws, do this now: have a serious discussion with all parties
present. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement
must be worked out. Things like money, household chores, etc. should be
discussed.
3. Parenting
Instead
of fighting about what how your son or daughter needs to be raised,
agree on setting an Islamic standard for parenting. You can consult
your parents and in-laws, but agree to be open and honest with each
other, and be ready to compromise on some issues. Remember, the
interest, in the long run, is to raise good Muslim kids. Different
methods can be used for this, as long as they are Halal.
4. Stress
While
things are usually more laid back in non-Western countries, a number of
couples still experience a growing amount of stress. This is why there
must be some respect for private space of each individual, especially
if families are living together. Allowing for private time will help
couples individually cope with stress in a way that is suitable for
them. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and work,
they can be used.
5. Domestic violence
Domestic
violence may not always lead to divorce, but it will lead to feelings
of hatred between the couple, and children exposed to this are in
danger of becoming abusers and/or victims themselves. Get the help of
family members to sort out differences. For men, if you feel a fit of
rage coming on, leave the house or the situation at least and make Wudu
so you can cool off instead of venting your anger and violence against
your wife.
6. Lack of domestic skills
While
girls are being encouraged to become more educated, duties within the
home are being less emphasized. While women are not forbidden from
working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with
housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager
and mother.
As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many
married women may find themselves overwhelmed, and their husbands may
refuse to help because they have never done that or seen their fathers
doing that. Wives need to work out a household plan in cooperation with
their husbands. Husbands need to become more compassionate and remember
the example of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) who
would help his wives in household chores. Also, mothers and
mothers-in-law can help by both sharing housework and teaching
daughters and daughters-in-laws skills in a compassionate way. They
should try to encourage sons to help as well.
